Memories
by Moon-Amongst-Stars
Summary: After James, Lily & Peter's death, Sirius is in Azkaban and Remus is lost. Feeling numb, he opens a bottle of Firewhiskey and reflects on the memories his time with the Marauders has left him - the good, the bad and the ugly. Inspired by the song "Thanks For The Memories" by Fall Out Boy. Heavy angst ahead, hint of Wolfstar but no slash or smut. Oneshot. Please read & review!


Memories

 _ **Disclaimer**_ _:_ All characters and ideas belong to JK Rowling, I make no money from this.

" **It's always cloudy except for**

 **When you look into the past"**

 **-Thanks For The Memories, Fall Out Boy**

 **1981**

Remus sat in his slowly-darkening kitchen, staring blankly into his glass. His mind registered the shadows creeping into the room, but he couldn't make his weary limbs move to turn on the light.

It had been just over a month. Just over a month from one of the worst night's of his life, on par with his encounter with Fenrir Greyback, and his excruciating first transformation resulting from that. In fact, Remus mulled, that night was worse than both of those nights put together.

In the space of a few hours he'd lost 4 friends – the only true friends he'd ever known, in fact. Remus downed his drink in one, and then, rather than pour another, simply picked up the bottle and took a swig. His brain was working in overdrive; unwanted thoughts chasing circles around his head.

Sirius betrayed James. He was their Secret Keeper; the one supposed to hide James and Lily from Voldemort, and he betrayed them. Now they were dead, leaving their only child Harry behind. How the Curse rebounded off the boy and killed Voldemort instead Remus would never know. The child was just a _baby_ for Christ's sake.

And poor Peter. Poor, sweet, innocent Peter. He went after Black, and Sirius killed him too. And 12 harmless muggles. Now the Dementors had taken his Sirius to Azkaban, and Remus was alone, so very alone.

Tired of the foggy numbness that had enveloped him since that night, Remus had cracked open a bottle of his strongest Firewhiskey, and he was feeling the effects of it. For the first time in a month, he was allowing himself to break down, to be consumed by waves of overwhelming emotion – grief, anger, fear, confusion, worry – _worry!_ – Remus scoffed. Worry for a man he'd loved _(still loved, a voice in the back of his head whispered)_ who was now most certainly awaiting a most horrific fate.

He let out a choked sob, and began to crumble. Why, Sirius? Why did you do it? What happened to the happy young boy who loved his friends more than anything, who'd do anything for the boys he considered his family?

Remus didn't have the answers. He couldn't understand why one of his best friends had turned so dark, and as his thoughts swirled messily around his head he thought back, pulling memories of his youth from the tangle.

 **1971**

 _A small boy sat pressed against the window of the train, watching Platform 9 ¾ as it disappeared, taking his parents with it. Soon he was just watching the passing countryside. The boy was startled when the compartment door banged open and two breathless boys around his age ran in, laughing._

 _Both boys flung themselves opposite Remus without so much as a "hello". As their laughter subsided, the boy with the glasses seemed to notice Remus, and nudged his friend. His friend grinned._

" ' _Allo there, I'm Sirius Black, and this is James Potter." He stuck out his hand, which Remus shook with a mumbled "Remus Lupin", his cheeks flushing slightly._

" _Ah Remus, wanna hear what we did?" James asked eagerly, before launching into a tale of "obvious Slytherins", "dungbombs", and "door-locking charms". Remus mostly listened to the other two's happy chatter for the rest of the journey, interjecting every so often with logical opinions to their wild prank ideas._

 _He was surprised to be sorted into Gryffindor as he'd never considered himself particularly brave, and was overjoyed to join James and Sirius (who swore he would be in Slytherin and was ecstatic not to be), along with a small, pudgy boy named Peter. The four hit it off quickly, and for the first time since the age of five, Remus went to bed feeling perfectly content. He had friends._

 **1972**

 _The boys were in their second year, and Remus was 'sick' once again. The other 3 in his dorm were growing suspicious, and unbeknownst to Remus, they had spent the summer messaging each other crazy theories, until Sirius had brought up the one that made the most sense. Once they were back at Hogwarts they simply waited. And this time, Remus' 'illness' confirmed their guesswork._

 _It was late afternoon, and Remus was just returning from the Hospital Wing. The full moon had been two nights ago, and he was still a bit shaky. Upon entering the dorm he noticed the awkward silence, the lack of eye-contact. He muttered a quick "hello" and curled up on his bed, too tired to bother changing._

 _He noticed the glances the other three shared but ignored it, closing his eyes. Suddenly he felt his bed dip, and was surprised to find Sirius perched there, James and Peter standing behind him. He sat up, instantly alert. Sirius rested a gentle hand on his leg._

" _Rough moon?" the boy asked sympathetically, cautiously, staring into Remus' eyes._

 _Remus could feel his friends' eyes on him, judging his reaction, but he couldn't hide it. His eyes went wide as the colour drained from his face and he began to tremble. Just as he was opening his mouth to protest, James spoke up. "We don't care if you are a...a...you know. You're our friend Remus, and always will be, no matter what. Don't lie to us Remus, please."_

 _And Remus simply nodded, as tears spilled down his cheeks and he was pulled into a hug by Sirius. He saw Peter and James exchange confused glances before they joined the hug, but these were tears of joy, of relief, of gratitude and love, not sadness._

 _Remus was accepted by his three best friends._

 **1975**

 _The boys were in fifth year: taller, older, but still just as full of mischief, James and Sirius especially. Remus would often catch them talking quietly, heads bent together over heavy books and scraps of parchment. Heavy_ **restricted** _books, Remus noted. Yet they always seemed to hide everything when Remus approached. He couldn't help but feel hurt, especially when Peter began spending more time with them too, leaving Remus out more often than not._

 _November that year, Remus' 3 friends stopped talking entirely, and Remus was distraught, convinced they were no longer friends despite their (written) reassurances. And then, beginning of December, everything went back to normal. To say Remus was confused was a vast understatement._

 _December 18_ _th_ _, the night of the full moon, it all became clear. They were sitting in the run-down shack, waiting for the moon, and Remus was urging them to leave. He didn't want to risk hurting the boys he called brothers. The boys refused, and as Remus' pleas grew urgent, there was a noise rather like the whooshing of air, and in his friends places there now stood a stag, a black dog, and a rat._

 _Remus was speechless. His 3 friends changed back, and hurriedly explained. They'd been learning to become Animagi (illegally, mind you) since their_ **second** _year. Just for him. Remus was too overcome with emotion to say anything, although his friends understood._

 _This was the first transformation they ever witnessed. Yet it was the best transformation of Remus' life._

 **1977**

" _What the fuck did you do, Sirius?" Remus hissed. They were in the last few months of sixth year, and Remus had just got out from the Hospital Wing._

 _Sirius flinched. Remus never swore._

" _You could of_ **killed** _him!_ **I** _could of killed him, Sirius! I_ **would** _of killed him, if it hadn't been for James! I could've killed both of them! Do you know how lucky it is that they're okay!? All for some stupid prank against Severus! Are you happy now, Sirius!?" Remus was shouting now, shaking with anger. James and Peter were pale, watching the exchange quietly._

" _Moony, I – " Sirius whispered, but was cut off._

" _Don't 'Moony' me, Sirius," Remus spat harshly. "Don't talk to me, don't try to make things better because you can't. You almost turned me into the thing I fear most, you almost made me a_ **murderer** _."_

 _As Remus turned to leave, he saw Sirius crumple to the floor, head in hands, shaking with sobs. His own heart stung painfully, and he kept his head low until he made it to a secret passageway the Marauders had found in their third year, where he sunk to the floor and began to cry._

 _Remus had never felt worse._

 **1977**

 _The beginning of seventh year was tense. Remus had ignored Sirius' frequent letters all through summer, and James and Peter were barely speaking to Sirius either, keeping loyal to Remus. Both Sirius and Remus were suffering terribly – neither were eating or sleeping, Sirius' grades dropped whilst Remus threw himself into studying. The entire school noticed the fall-out, as pranks were almost non-existent, or half-hearted attempts by James and Peter._

 _The Marauders had lost hope of ever being friends again, when, early December, Remus had had enough. It was 1am, and everyone else was asleep. Remus could hear soft sobbing from Sirius' bed, and, in a moment of weakness, slid out of his bed and slipped into Sirius'._

 _He didn't say anything, simply held Sirius tight as he cried. Eventually, as Sirius' sobs subsided, Remus whispered "apologize to_ **him** _, Siri. You've never apologized to_ **him** _." And with that, Remus was gone._

 _The next morning Sirius caught Snape in the Entrance Hall, and pulled the other boy aside. Remus couldn't hear the words, but he could see the sincerity in Sirius, the hurt when Snape brushed him off. Unaware that anyone was watching, Sirius walked dejectedly into the Great Hall and stared morosely at his plate._

 _He was surprised when Remus slipped in beside him, with a whispered "thank you."_

 _Sirius shrugged. "He didn't accept. I don't blame him. I really don't. I should never of done it. I am so sorry Remus."_

 _Remus agreed, but squeezed Sirius' hand as an acceptance of his apology. The other two Marauders walked in, shocked to see Sirius and Remus sitting together, but joined them anyway. And slowly, slowly, things went back to normal._

 _ **1**_ _ **st**_ _ **November 1981, 03:30am**_

" _James and Lily are dead." That was all Remus heard, although Dumbledore was saying a lot more. He was reeling. They couldn't be dead. Not Prongs, not Lily, not Harry. Wait,_ **not** _Harry. Harry was alive. But Remus didn't feel the joy he should have. Instead he felt like he was drowning; there was no air and he needed air. He was screaming, and he remembers vomiting with the shock of the news. And then everything went dark._

 **1981**

 _It had been 10 days since he'd heard the news. Tonight was the full moon – the first since everybody had gone. His first one alone in six years. He left his home late in the afternoon, heading to Hogsmeade, where he apparated into the Shrieking Shack. The memories hit him hard, and he curled up onto the ragged bed and cried. And when the moon rose, the wolf broke free of his body with a vengeance, violent and unstoppable, tearing the contents of the room into unrecognizable shreds before turning its fury on itself._

 _Remus woke up alone, bleeding and broken, sobbing at all the pain he was in – physically and emotionally. He healed himself alone, and apparated back home alone._

" _I'd better get used to it," he thought bitterly, empty and dry from all the crying. "I am alone now."_

 **1981**

Sitting at his table, Remus was pulled from his thoughts by a loud thud. He realized he'd fallen from his chair, and the bottle was empty. Slowly he dragged himself into his sitting room, where he conjured a fire, and, remaining on the floor, curled himself into a tight ball as if trying to physically stop himself from falling apart. It was here he fell into an uneasy sleep.

And in the morning, he'd put himself back together again and pretend this night never happened. Because that's what Remus Lupin always did.

 _ **A/N**_ _:_ This is my first Harry Potter fanfic and my first fanfic in about 3 years. I had an idea and just had to write it. I made a mistake in the timeline regarding the Sirius/Snape prank, but I only found that out after I wrote this and can't be bothered changing it, so for this story the prank happened in their 6th year, not 5th. This made me sad to write, but I hope you enjoyed it. Please leave some feedback, I'd really appreciate it


End file.
